The Paradox: Dealing with Mortality before Aging
Mortality became real with the unexpected accident causing the death of my third son, Andy at the age of 32. Suddenly life became very fragile. I obsessed thinking that I could not survive if I should lose any of the other three sons.
For years I had a subliminal angst which I never articulated but carried in my heart. Thinking about death became part of my being, wanting to make sure all the ducks were in a row if anything should happen to me and Diane and the boys had to deal with my paper work if nothing else. Our living trust, survival benefit from my work or the military were just part of taking care of business.
And time passed. There have been many losses over the years but my sons now have their own children. So now there are more to celebrate and fear for their safety and lives. It sounds like a hypocondriac but more the memory of the intensity of the grief of loss of a child which of course is recreated whenever I think, write or contemplate life's journey
Somewhere along the line Diane and I began to age chronologically and physically. Thinking about aging became the new obsession. When are we old? How do we live our best lives with joy and pleasure, a smile and a hug for those you love? When and how will we die:?
These are not always conversation one has with friends. I suspect as some point we all experience similar musings.
I started using song writing and music to begin to explore the complexities of aging and also the fear of losing control and becoming dependent.
Am I Old Yet: is the journey and the questions
Mother's Mom: is the angst of not dying soon enough
GC 21 July 2020